Mutually Beneficial

So the last two months of my life as an overnight parent have been a whirlwind. Chicklett had been a fantastic sleeper, only waking 2-3 times a night for a quick boob and being in bed for about 12 hours. Right after her first birthday she started to have nightmares and waking periods of up to FIVE HOURS in the middle of the night. Every night. It was painful for me... super happy fun times for her. From what I've heard, the nightmares/night terrors are pretty normal for stage development at that age. My son did it for about a week and then never again.

Chicklett brought it a whole new aspect by waking up perky and excited. She would sleep from around 8pm-10pm, then be wide awake from 10ish to midnight, take a 5-10 minute nap, and then wake up ready to party for another couple hours. Anyone who follows us on Facebook was probably tired of my "midnight party" posts of insanity. I know I was!

She had these five hour parties atleast five days a week for six weeks. Then I hit my breaking point.... I would start to think "Is it possible to get postpartum depression 13 months later??" Crying at her to JUST GO TO SLEEP. Something had to give. And as much as I enjoy my little snuggle bug at night... ending co-sleeping seemed to be the most obvious solution. She is a pretty light sleeper and it occurred to me that I might be snoring at night and that possibly *I* was actually the one waking her up. One way to find out... I brought in my back up help. It is hard for me to ask for help, because being mom is my job 24/7... and especially with overnights I feel it's my job since my husband has to be functional for work in the morning. But this was getting unhealthy for me, and the idea that perhaps co-sleeping was no longer mutually beneficial was ringing in my ear. Gotta trust your instincts.

I have the best husband EVER! After many talks about the importance of not letting baby cry out I dropped my guard and let him be in charge. I moved into the guest bedroom and my husband completely took over night wakings. Sometimes he slept in bed with her, and sometimes he slept out in the livingroom and listened on the monitor. But he would only bring her to my boob every three hours. He's been doing this for about a month now, even on work days. The night of December 23rd a miracle happened... she only woke up once the whole night! We called it an X-mas miracle. Ha! Then for the next week she was back to 2-3 boobs a night... but now the last three nights she's only woken once.

I'm not sure what 2012 is going to bring for our sleeping arrangements, but we sure did end the year on a happy note.

Reaching New Heights - Hindsight is 20/20

If you recall from my first breastfeeding story, my oldest, Aiden, was weened by 8 months. In hindsight, there were many contributing factors.

1. His binky...oh how that baby loved his binky 
2. At 6 months old, around the time we started to struggle and lose our way, we grew tired of Aiden waking 6 or 7 times a night. He wasn't waking to nurse, he was simply waking up...and being awake. We let him CIO one night, it took 20 minutes of fussing and he slept through the night for the first time that night. But this ended his night nursing. At the time I didn't notice the correlation, but I do now.
3. Aiden is and has always been a spirited child, he's active, perceptive, nosy, observant, bossy...that's Aiden. He was like this as a baby...it made nursing him in public impossible. Not "nearly impossible," it was simply impossible. He was on and off, on and off, mostly off...and he didn't feel the need to make up for missed daytime nursings at night as many babies who do this do. He just didn't nurse. I couldn't handle the crappy latch, nipple pulling insanity that goes along with nursing a distracted baby. I was too self conscious.
4. It was the summer months and I was uncomfortable with all the layers I insisted on wearing for the sake of modesty. I had zero self esteem and it was hard for me to nurse if anyone could see any part of my bare skin. 
5. Post-partum depression. I did not know it then, but having been diagnosed this time, and looking back, I definitely had some mild PPD going on and it was making it difficult for me to nurse him. There was a whole slew of emotional blocks.
6. Early solids. Like I said, Aiden was fine with not nursing...he liked his pacifier so he wasn't a comfort nurser, and we started solids with him a little after 4 months, and he liked food, so that's what he ate. 
7. Nursing was not "normal" to me, despite being in the birth community, I had not been around nursing mothers, I had no friends who nursed, no one in my family nursed...so while I was very passionate about breastfeeding, I also couldn't identify with it. So when I started having trouble with Aiden, it was just easier for me to give him a bottle...first of breastmilk...then of formula. 
8. I didn't like nursing...for a lot of the reasons above. I was feeling touched out, I was an emotional wreck, i felt like he was touching me in a way I did not want to be touched (a common reaction in women survivors of abuse). 

By the time he was 8 months, my therapist and I had given me permission to wean him. I was heartbroken, I knew better, but I also knew that our breastfeeding relationship was seriously strained, that the stress of getting him to nurse, making sure he was nursing enough, always trying to find a quiet, dark place so he wasn't distracted, was stressing me badly and my supply was suffering. So that was that. I slowly reduced the number of feedings over the course of a week or two. Aiden never asked to nurse, didn't miss it at all. He took to his bottle just fine, enjoyed looking all around while he ate. So it was fine...but I was soooo ashamed. In a birth and breastfeeding crazy group, I always wanted to hide the fact that Aiden took formula...it was a horribly akward situation.

So Chase is 7.5 months old now, and only started solids right around 6 months...only recently are we getting more regular about it. He still nurses 2 or 3 times a night, and while he is a distracted nurser during the day (his brother is the most interesting thing on the planet) he makes up for not being a heavy daytime nurser by nursing at night. I'm about to cross into uncharted territory with Chase. I'm super cautious about foods. We are following the Baby Led Weaning approach to introducing solids, and he likes it...so do I. It lets him be in charge of his own food consumption. I'm proud that we have had no troubles so far, but I"m worried. I'm worried about teeth, entering the biting zone...about if he'll EVER sleep through the night, about what it's like to nurse an 8 month old? a 10 month old? a 1 year old? Or, GASP...a 2 year old?! This is all unknown territory to me, exciting, but worrisome. I really enjoy nursing this time around, I enjoy spending that time with Chase...he enjoys it too...he is a BOOBY baby. He stopped using a pacifier about 3 months ago, he'd rather suck a boob or his fingers...it's wonderfully freeing! 

My plan is to go to 18 months if he doesn't decide to be done sooner, and I've been with such a wonderful group of breastfeeding women for long enough now that I will probably even go as far as 2 years. I never would have even thought to do something like that. My hard limit with Aiden was 15 months...MAX! What a difference it makes to be surrounded by a community of women who just parent from their hearts, nurse their babies for however long it feels right for them and their baby, and holds eachother up when the going gets tough with wisdom, hugs, jokes, and tips. How lucky am I? 

My cool booby baby, Chase Racer

I hope you are lucky enough too, to have women friends in your circle who support the way YOU want to raise your kids...if it's breast or bottle feeding, if it's cloth diapering, if it's my way or your way...I hope YOUR community supports you...because being surrounded by wonderful mothers is one thing...being surrounded by wonderful mothers who think like YOU do is a totally different story!

Guest Blog: Cherie's Bewbs

A few months ago I asked my good friend Cherie to post her story because of the message it sends to other women. We met online during our pregnancies with our first (they are only about 2 weeks apart). Cherie breastfed her first for almost 16 months, and I remember once things smoothed out, how much she enjoyed it, but a struggle with severe Postpartum Depression forced her to make a decision in the best interest of her family and she is now bottle feeding her second baby due to the medication to control it. I wanted to share her story because we don't always know why mother's are bottle feeding, and sometimes women have to do what's best for everyone in the picture, not just baby. Remember, friends...it's milk, not poison!

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I have 2 children, Jude 26 months, Seraphina 5 months.  Jude breastfed until just a few days before he turned 16 months.  I had so many problems breastfeeding him in the first 6 months, looking back I’m amazed we kept going.  Mastitis, very painful thrush for me, cracked, bleeding PAINFUL nipples.  Nipple confusion too.  I ended up using a nipple shield until he was about 4 months old, then he finally latched on and it was about 2 more months of pain before we settled into breastfeeding nicely.  Through all of it, I cried, I was angry, I wanted to quit but I never did.  I’m pretty stubborn when I want to be and I am glad I fought through it.

When Jude was 6 months old, we moved to Buenos Aires, Argentina to be with my husband.  The rare thing down there was to see a woman bottle feeding.  It was impossible to go out and not see babies on boobies, no covers or anything.  It was so freeing breastfeeding anywhere without a cover and not having to worry about some close minded, ignorant person freaking out!

When Jude was 13 months old, I got pregnant with his sister.  He nursed through the 1st trimester, which was painful again due to sore 1st trimester boobs!  I was planning to tandem nurse if that’s what Jude wanted to do, but he weaned himself when I was about 13 weeks pregnant.  It was a pleasant, peaceful weaning because he wanted it.  I was a little sad, but I won’t lie and say I wasn’t a little relieved to have a break before his sister got here!

I was happy, and pregnant with Seraphina, and came back to the States with Jude when I was 26 weeks pregnant because we wanted her to be born here.  My pregnancy was smooth and easy except for gaining 66 pounds and her being breech like her brother was, so she was born by C-section also.  I was 40 weeks along and she was a fat and healthy 7 pounds 11 ounces.

After she was born and my Dr showed her to me over the screen, I remember being so relieved that she was out and OK.  They brought her up to my head so I could meet her and the feelings I remember were relief and exhaustion.  I looked at her and touched her face for a minute or two and then they had to take her to clean her up and all that stuff.  They had a mommy cam set up over where they clean her up and they had a screen by my head so I could watch everything.  I remember watching and feeling kind of disconnected and thinking it was like watching A Baby Story on TLC.  I had a lot of scar tissue from my first C-section so I was in surgery for about an hour and a half.  My mom held her up by my head the whole time I was being operated on.  I held her as soon as I was in recovery, and a wonderful nurse helped me get her latched on the first time.  Seraphina knew exactly what to do and was a wonderful nurser.  I don’t remember feeling anything but exhaustion while she nursed the first time.  I was just so tired I wanted to be left alone with my baby to sleep.  I finally got to go to my room and sleep for a while.  My family all showed up and brought Jude to meet his sister.  He wanted nothing to do with her or me and it just broke my heart.  I bribed him with some French fries and he finally came and sat with me though!

While in the hospital I pushed myself because I wanted to go home in 2 days instead of 3.  I was up walking around that night, with help of course, but I really wanted to go home.  While in the hospital I remember just being frustrated with breastfeeding and timing her so I could give her a binky because I didn’t want her comforting and pacifying at the breast.

I also remember feeling so disconnected from her and when people would say how cute she was, I felt like I couldn’t see it.  I didn’t think she was ugly, I just felt like I was looking at her through the wrong side of binoculars or something.

We finally went home and I still was feeling disconnected and frustrated every time she nursed.  I turned the TV on to distract myself and help me get through a session.  2 weeks in my nipples were hurting so bad and then we got thrush.  I decided to just pump so that we could get rid of it.  I was soooo relieved to be pumping even though exclusively pumping is a pain in the ass!  The stress and worry of pumping was such a relief after the frustration, discomfort and emotional problems while nursing.  I was able to exclusively pump for about 2 weeks then I had to start supplementing a couple of times a day and more and more until I couldn’t even pump an ounce.  I was so relieved.  She was around 12 weeks old and I was diagnosed with post partum depression.  It explained so much.  I’ve struggled with depression on and off since I was a teenager, but I have never gone to such a low, dark place like I did in the weeks after having my daughter.  The way it made me feel towards my children, especially my daughter, it was just a whole new level of terrible.  The guilt I felt was so heavy.  The guilt for not breastfeeding.  The guilt for being RELIEVED to not be breastfeeding.  The guilt every time I made her a bottle.  I was in such a deep, dark depression, I wanted to die, I thought about it all the time.  I went as far as to write letters.  When I got to that point I called my counselor I had when I was pregnant with my son.  I went to see her, she sent me right to a therapist who prescribed me medicine and was thisclose to sending me to the hospital, but my dad came up and talked to her and we all made an agreement he would watch me closely.  I still wanted to die, but I knew that there was a reason, and I could get better with the medication and therapy.  Once I got on the Zoloft it was maybe 2 days and I was HAPPY…too happy.  So I talked to my therapist about it and she said that if you are bipolar Zoloft will make you “too happy” or hypo manic, which isn’t as intense as full blown mania but it can lead to it.  So along with PPD I have the lovely diagnosis of bipolar disorder.  I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was about 21, and I did not agree with the doctor for a number of reasons. But I’m on mood stabilizers now, and they are really helping.  I’m still struggling but nothing like I was in the weeks after I had my daughter.

I have a wonderful relationship with her, and I think she is the cutest baby girl in the entire universe, I want to hold her, kiss her, blow farts on her tummy and just spend time with her..  I look at pictures of her when she was first born and feel sad that I missed out on so much because I was in such a bad place.  I never wanted to hold her, my mom held her almost all the time, and when I started pumping she fed her a lot too.  I’m grateful where I am today and how happy I am with my babies.

As for not breastfeeding her.  I still have some guilt.  I know formula isn’t what is BEST for her, but it is what was best for US.  It was so difficult emotionally to have her at the breast, I just couldn’t do it.  But the relief and the bond I have felt while bottle feeding her is so great.

Here we are at 8 months, bottle feeding is an expensive pain, cleaning bottles suck, but I have a fat, happy and healthy daughter, and my kids have a mother on her way to being happy and healthy.  And that is what is most important for my little family.

Postpartum Depression - Myths

Today while doing some browsing during naptime, I was looking around at Jenny's Light and wanted to share some information with our readers about postpartum depression. Mama Christa and I have both been diagnosed with significant PPD and want to share what we are learning along the way with our readers. I thought I'd start with this list of of myths from Jenny's Light:

Postpartum MYTHS as Developed by The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

1. Postpartum depression is normal -- all new mothers feel tired and depressed.
2. If you don't get postpartum depression right after you give birth, you won't get it at all.
3. Postpartum depression will go away on its own without treatment.
4. All women with postpartum depression have thoughts about hurting their children.
5. Women with postpartum depression look depressed or stop taking care of themselves.
6. Women with postpartum depression are bad mothers.
7. If you have postpartum depression, you must have done something wrong.
8. You'll get over your postpartum depression if you just get more sleep.
9. Women with postpartum depression can't take antidepressants if they are breastfeeding.
10. Pregnant and postpartum women don't get depressed.

If someone you know is suffering from PPD, please don't say insensitive things like "well, you're the one who wanted children so bad," or "just get a grip, s/he is just a baby," both of which I've heard in recent weeks. Be careful that the things you say to moms with PPD don't make them feel like they are to blame for their depression or the symptoms of their depression. Mama Christa and I can both tell you that those moms are feeling crappy enough about the thoughts and feelings they are having, about their worth as mothers, wives, and friends. Offer to help if you can, even if all you are doing is keeping the mom company. Support her in getting help if she needs it, refer her to Jenny's Light for information and resources, and be a safe person she can share with without judgement. Mama Christa's post about Postpartum Depression is evidence that so many mothers are suffering, and they don't feel safe sharing such intimate details of their pain, anger, and depression, so be available as best you can to moms in this position. Just like every baby and every mom is different, every PPD experience is different. It's not what I thought it was from reading and education, but it sure sucks. 

For many mothers with PPD medication is a safe and effective route to treatment. Kelly Mom lists Dr. Hale's research on anti-depressants in breastfeeding mothers, and here is that information for you and for you to share with those who may benefit. Not all doctors are familiar with medications safe during pregnancy, so educate yourself about it!