Reaching New Heights - Hindsight is 20/20

If you recall from my first breastfeeding story, my oldest, Aiden, was weened by 8 months. In hindsight, there were many contributing factors.

1. His binky...oh how that baby loved his binky 
2. At 6 months old, around the time we started to struggle and lose our way, we grew tired of Aiden waking 6 or 7 times a night. He wasn't waking to nurse, he was simply waking up...and being awake. We let him CIO one night, it took 20 minutes of fussing and he slept through the night for the first time that night. But this ended his night nursing. At the time I didn't notice the correlation, but I do now.
3. Aiden is and has always been a spirited child, he's active, perceptive, nosy, observant, bossy...that's Aiden. He was like this as a baby...it made nursing him in public impossible. Not "nearly impossible," it was simply impossible. He was on and off, on and off, mostly off...and he didn't feel the need to make up for missed daytime nursings at night as many babies who do this do. He just didn't nurse. I couldn't handle the crappy latch, nipple pulling insanity that goes along with nursing a distracted baby. I was too self conscious.
4. It was the summer months and I was uncomfortable with all the layers I insisted on wearing for the sake of modesty. I had zero self esteem and it was hard for me to nurse if anyone could see any part of my bare skin. 
5. Post-partum depression. I did not know it then, but having been diagnosed this time, and looking back, I definitely had some mild PPD going on and it was making it difficult for me to nurse him. There was a whole slew of emotional blocks.
6. Early solids. Like I said, Aiden was fine with not nursing...he liked his pacifier so he wasn't a comfort nurser, and we started solids with him a little after 4 months, and he liked food, so that's what he ate. 
7. Nursing was not "normal" to me, despite being in the birth community, I had not been around nursing mothers, I had no friends who nursed, no one in my family nursed...so while I was very passionate about breastfeeding, I also couldn't identify with it. So when I started having trouble with Aiden, it was just easier for me to give him a bottle...first of breastmilk...then of formula. 
8. I didn't like nursing...for a lot of the reasons above. I was feeling touched out, I was an emotional wreck, i felt like he was touching me in a way I did not want to be touched (a common reaction in women survivors of abuse). 

By the time he was 8 months, my therapist and I had given me permission to wean him. I was heartbroken, I knew better, but I also knew that our breastfeeding relationship was seriously strained, that the stress of getting him to nurse, making sure he was nursing enough, always trying to find a quiet, dark place so he wasn't distracted, was stressing me badly and my supply was suffering. So that was that. I slowly reduced the number of feedings over the course of a week or two. Aiden never asked to nurse, didn't miss it at all. He took to his bottle just fine, enjoyed looking all around while he ate. So it was fine...but I was soooo ashamed. In a birth and breastfeeding crazy group, I always wanted to hide the fact that Aiden took formula...it was a horribly akward situation.

So Chase is 7.5 months old now, and only started solids right around 6 months...only recently are we getting more regular about it. He still nurses 2 or 3 times a night, and while he is a distracted nurser during the day (his brother is the most interesting thing on the planet) he makes up for not being a heavy daytime nurser by nursing at night. I'm about to cross into uncharted territory with Chase. I'm super cautious about foods. We are following the Baby Led Weaning approach to introducing solids, and he likes it...so do I. It lets him be in charge of his own food consumption. I'm proud that we have had no troubles so far, but I"m worried. I'm worried about teeth, entering the biting zone...about if he'll EVER sleep through the night, about what it's like to nurse an 8 month old? a 10 month old? a 1 year old? Or, GASP...a 2 year old?! This is all unknown territory to me, exciting, but worrisome. I really enjoy nursing this time around, I enjoy spending that time with Chase...he enjoys it too...he is a BOOBY baby. He stopped using a pacifier about 3 months ago, he'd rather suck a boob or his fingers...it's wonderfully freeing! 

My plan is to go to 18 months if he doesn't decide to be done sooner, and I've been with such a wonderful group of breastfeeding women for long enough now that I will probably even go as far as 2 years. I never would have even thought to do something like that. My hard limit with Aiden was 15 months...MAX! What a difference it makes to be surrounded by a community of women who just parent from their hearts, nurse their babies for however long it feels right for them and their baby, and holds eachother up when the going gets tough with wisdom, hugs, jokes, and tips. How lucky am I? 

My cool booby baby, Chase Racer

I hope you are lucky enough too, to have women friends in your circle who support the way YOU want to raise your kids...if it's breast or bottle feeding, if it's cloth diapering, if it's my way or your way...I hope YOUR community supports you...because being surrounded by wonderful mothers is one thing...being surrounded by wonderful mothers who think like YOU do is a totally different story!

Testing Out The Bottle...

It's been trial and error this week with trying to get 7-8 week old Chicklett to take a bottle so that I can have an evening off here and there, and because I'll be having surgery in a few weeks and we want to make sure she'll be fed during the process. We're nice like that. Ha!

I'm a firm believer in drinking straight from the tap, and if I'm going to be gone a few hours I will pump a fresh bottle rather than using frozen. The frozen stash is for extended periods or emergency only.

So far I've gone to the grocery store three times leaving her home and she has yet to take a bottle! Ugh! The first time she actually slept the whole time so Rooster wasn't even able to try it out. But the next two times I've come home to a screaming hungry baby. We've tried two different nipples so far, both Gerber and they fit our glass bottles - what do you recommend for breastfed babies? We've used the one in the picture and then just a standard one that came with the bottles.

One thing I have enjoyed about bottle training Chicklett versus the first time around with Chicken Little is that there is no milk waste! CL is happy to take the pumped milk in a sippy cup! I remember being heartbroken at dumping pumped milk where CL had maybe drank an ounce out of the 4 in a bottle. Pumping is very hard for me, takes about 2-3 pumpings to get a 4 ounce bottle. Knowing that CL is here to clean up the leftovers makes this time much easier.

Now, I know that Meghan and Mama Christa have both given their toddlers pumped milk - does that mean we're all technically tandem nursing? I'm just the only one that does it straight from the tap. During this cold and flu season have you ever thought of giving your toddler/child a booster shot of antibodies and immunities by giving them some pumped milk? Think about it! :)

Enjoy this little video of my son exploring a world of boob in a sippy cup.

We're also working on the pacifier training too. With CL we used a paci from about 4 months old to 11 months old - but only in the car and occasionally overnight. Chicklett has been an absolute nightmare in the car, so she's gonna need that car paci. Pulling over, taking her out of the car seat, nursing her, and getting her back in the car seat in freezing weather is not going to happen. Not to mention, during warmer fall weather this proved ineffective anyway because 2 minutes back into driving she would be screaming again. Rather than leave her to scream I would much rather let her have the comfort of something to suck on. CL often used it to suck on for just a few minutes and then he'd fall asleep. Much healthier experience if you ask me! So far we've tried 4 different paci's with Chicklett. All of them gagging her. I remember it taking some time for CL to figure out how to use them, so for now I will keep retrying the different types we have and hope that she figures it out soon.

The Binky Battle - Lost & Won

If you read my post about Rough Nights and Pacifiers you'll know already that I have been really struggling to keep pacifiers out of my house for a variety of reasons.

Today, I have a confession. Last week I broke down, and used a binky. The good news is that after a lot of second-guessing, wondering, and even bashing myself over this, I consider this battle both lost and won.

The battle is lost because I really didn't want to have to go down the binky path again. Aiden was binky OBSESSED and I believe it contributed to his early weening at just 8 months. He had his binky since birth and I overused it. I am a little paranoid about binky use now...it was frustrating to always have with me, to re-bink in the middle of the night, and to have a baby who weened so young. I was afraid of this for Chase. The battle is lost because I also wanted to prove that I could have a comfort-nurser, that I didn't need to substitute a silicone nipple for my breast. It is lost because I was CONVINCED he would settle if I employed a few more calming tactics. The truth is: Chase will not let me put him down, and even when I'm holding him, he needs A LOT of cajoling to calm. He frequently will not take the breast for comfort because I have a forceful letdown and HE has silent reflux...so unless the breast is "empty" he doesn't find it all that comforting...though boy does he try, he desperately wants to be a booby baby.

I had a very bad day last week...actually, a run of THREE very bad days during which both boys were in really bad moods and I was NOT handing it well. I couldn't get out the door to make it to appointments because Chase would not even stop flailing and crying even when I held him so I couldn't get Aiden ready to go, couldn't get Chase in his car seat, couldn't get the diaper bag together...it was ugly, and I had a huge meltdown. A friend told me "Meghan, you have to give the baby a pacifier...because one way or the other you're going to feel like a failure. It's either going to be because you gave chase a pacifier for 15 or 20 minutes so you can get things together and have positive interactions with Aiden or because you never have positive interactions with Aiden on account of CONSTANTLY trying to sooth the baby in other ways." She was right...poor orphan Aiden has been needing much more than I am able to give him with the baby always in my arms. So I did it...I brought his car pacifier into the house for necessary use only.

I consider this battle WON because Chase still greatly prefers the breast, doesn't take the binky except SOMETIMES...even if I really want him to he often won't...but he takes it when I really NEED him to usually. It's use is infrequent...I still try to calm and sooth in other ways, but sometimes he just needs to suck a little and doesn't want milk so I give it to him and hold him close to me as if he's nursing which seems to be the only way he'll take it. Then once he's calm I can put him down, he usually spits out the binky, and he'll sit or sleep peacefully long enough for me to spend some time with Aiden or get something done (like write this blog post). I consider it won because he never takes it at night, still just wants to nurse more often than not, held more often than not, but I can buy myself little tidbits of time. I waited long enough to introduce the pacifier that he doesn't care about it, and I can just use it here and there.

The reality is I CAN'T hold and snuggle and bounce and shush this baby every waking minute and through most of his NON waking minutes either. I have a 2 year old who needs lots of positive attention from me and he was not getting this. I also CAN'T wear Chase in the sling or Moby wrap ALL day, though I do wear him a lot. The other reality is that the binky is not helping with his overall demeanor, he's still a pretty "high maintenance" one-month-old. Even using the binky, I've been interrupted writing this post about 10 times. So instead of trying to make this sound LESS disjointed, I'm going to trust my readers to just take it as it is so I can go and spend the rest of my day rocking and bouncing, and yes, occasionally "binking" the baby.

Rough Nights and Pacifiers

So I'm going to be really honest, in case you haven't noticed, I really hate my boobs. I hate them A LOT MORE at night. What a strange thing to say right? Except it does make sense...Chase gets super frantic at night about nursing, he's not good about latching, I have to fight his hands, and he's always tucking his chin down...so I can't have that nice, quiet, latch-on and nurse till we both fall asleep experience. I have to turn on some kind of light so I can see (cuz my nipple is not "perky" enough to just find it's way to his mouth), and usually either prop up on an arm or just sit up and nurse him. When we do manage to get PROPERLY and COMFORTABLY latched laying down...I still have to hold my breast away from his nose because of the shape of my breast and because of how he tucks his chin. I know we will grow out of this, he will figure it out. WE will figure it out. But in the mean time...


I had a really crappy night last night. Chase's tummy might have been bugging him, he seems happier today...but he woke up quite a bit last night. We're gearing up for his 3 week growth spurt so he's been nursing... A LOT. My husband is thoroughly annoyed and wants me to give him a pacifier so he'll sleep better. He's been pestering me for a couple of days. But some of you may remember I suspected that Aiden's early weening had at least partially to do with his love affair with his binkies. I'm REALLY struggling to stay away from the pacifiers this time. I'm hoping that by the time we hit about a month his sucking needs will have dropped, but in the mean time, there are situations where all I want is a binky...I almost bought one a few days ago. Not to mention pacifiers mess with the natural rhythm of newborns...all that sucking serves a purpose, after all. The baby has an intense need to suck because this is what stimulates milk production. A baby with a pacifier may not nurse as frequently as is necessary (of course all babies are different and it's not always a problem to have a pacifier...I'm just paranoid).


Last night in particular, because Chase was so crabby about...who knows what, he was also noisy and woke our older son up a couple times. I had to face my husband who doesn't have a good understanding of newborn behaviors, breastfeeding, nipple confusion, etc..."I wish you would just lighten up and give him a binky." Except that the problem last night was that he was genuinely nursing all those times...he really wanted to nurse...in addition to a suspected upset/gassy tummy. The pacifier was not going to solve either of these issues, but my husband knows EVERYTHING in the middle of the night <<eye-roll>>. So between our two boys last night, we just didn't get a lot of sleep...and this morning he STILL knew everything and needed to complain to my sister about my persistence on the pacifier issue. 


So let's talk pacifiers for breastfed babies...


So I've been planning to avoid bottles AND pacifiers in the first month. First of all, there are two critical growth spurts during this time (at three and six weeks) and giving baby a bottle or pacifier can decrease the frequency with which baby is at the breast, this can impact the milk supply. Second, a breastfeeding relationship is not TRULY established, strong, and secure until about 5 to 6 weeks. I advise clients to avoid pacifiers and artificial nipples until at least 3 to 4 weeks and to keep it minimal until after that second big growth spurt to ensure baby does not develop a preference for the artificial nipples, and that the milk supply does not suffer in these early critical weeks. 


Here's an excerpt from Kellymom.com about Pacifiers:

"It is recommended that pacifiers and other types of artificial nipples be avoided for at least the first 3-4 weeks. I'd personally suggest that most breastfed babies - if they get a pacifier at all - would be better off without a pacifier until mom's milk supply is well established (6-8 weeks, usually) and the 6 week growth spurt is over. That way you've established a good milk supply and don't lose any much-needed breast stimulation to a pacifier."


This page goes on to discuss why pacifiers should be used sparingly for breastfed babies. Did you know that pacifiers can increase instances of thrush? Pacifiers are also associated with nipple confusion which can not only impact milk supply, but cause sore nipples for breastfeeding mothers. In addition they are linked to increased ear infections. 


Specifically regarding "rough nights," it's important to understand the cycle of pro-lactin in the female body. Levels are at their lowest in mid-morning and mid day, but at night, pro-lactin levels are at their highest. Pro-lactin is the hormone that triggers milk production. So giving a baby a pacifier at night, especially in place of nursing, will impact milk supply. This is why when weaning most people begin eliminating their night nursings to avoid engorgement...it tells the body to make a little less milk if the baby is not at the breast at night! 


I don't think pacifiers are evil or anything, don't get me wrong. For sure they are handy tools. My mistake with Aiden was overuse and premature use of the pacifier. Aiden used it for sleep, used it in the car, used it when he was cranky...it was my super overused tool. Chase will likely eventually have a pacifier for using in the car...me jacking up my shoulder to reach behind my seat and into the car seat while I'm driving to let him suck a finger to settle down has got to stop. But it will be a couple more weeks yet and hopefully I can escape a rotator cuff injury during that time.