1/31/11
Crossfit and Body Image
But I know she wasn't talking about me; she's wrapped up in her own stuff the way all of us are. She sees herself more negatively than she sees other people (all this body stuff isn't rational, after all), at least that's what I have always done. Other people were okay, but I was just awful. I still slip into that thinking sometimes when I look at less than flattering pictures of myself. Other people just took a bad picture, but I I must really look like that. Thinking of her wasting her youth on all that unrealistic cruelty to her own body made all my hurt and anger morph into pity and sympathy. I've been there, and thinking like that becomes way too normal. It doesn't even feel weird anymore after a while; it's just the way you talk to and about your body.
How is it possible that such a pretty little thing and such a tough Crossfitter could feel that way? What does it say about our culture that she would really avoid fun, active summer activities because she thought she looked fat in a bathing suit? How could all that negativity about her body be on her mind after doing a hard workout really well? I hate this about our world. I hate that she isn't feeling how strong and useful and pretty and healthy her body is. I hate that there are so many women like her who feel that way every day of their lives.
So, I got to thinking about Crossfit and the way it makes me feel about my body. I have suffered from terrible body image issues in my life (how many women haven't?), but I am in a good place. I like the changes that I am seeing. I have made peace with stretch marks and boobs that aren't as perky as they once were. I value my assets, like my legs. I can look in the mirror naked and see me, outside and inside, instead of seeing an enemy and a stranger. Crossfit is a piece of that, I think.
At our gym, there aren't a gazillion mirrors, reminding me of how I look every second. It's not a place for being pretty or for thinking about being prettier. It's a place for sweating and grunting and looking like crap because you are the warrior Boudica, not some china doll, ornamental princess. The workouts are focused on functional fitness, not on building specific vanity muscles (*cough* bench-press *cough*) or losing fat in certain places. My workout is for getting strong and flexible and tough and being able to live better. I like that the focus in on using my body for work and play, not on making it into something to look at.
I love that our coach, Chris, didn't talk about me losing weight when I signed up. He was all about jumping into the workouts at the level I could do and doing my best. I have lost weight, and that's a good thing, but the weight loss is a side-effect of doing what bodies are made to do, what makes them feel good and work right.
I'm glad to be in a place where no matter what I look like this summer, I will definitely kayak on the Chattahoochee, go to the pool and Whitewater, and lay out in the backyard in the very smallest amount of clothes I can get away from. My body is for living my values, even the ones that require a bathing suit, and Crossfit is for making those values easier and more fun.
I have written two other posts on body image that may be interesting to you: Musings on Age and Body Image and Body Image and Gymnastics.
February Giveway - Beautiful Earrings!
Pair 2 is on sterling silver earwires. There is a black glass bead with a metallic finish which mimics the look of hematite between two grey faceted glass beads. The earrings measure approx 1 3/4in from the top of the earwire to the bottom bead.
All jewelry comes in a giftbox and she only ship within the United States.
- You must be have a United States address.
- You must be a follower of the blog.
- Selected winners must provide a valid mailing address. Please do not post your address in the comments section. If you win, we'll ask for your address.
- We will announce the winners on the blog on Monday February 7th, 2011 and the winner must email us at thegoodletdown@gmail.com and claim their prize within 72 hours or a new winner will be selected.
- Winners will be selected from all eligible entries by the use of the random.org random integer generator.
- Entry number 1: Comment on this blog post and tell us how long you breastfed each of your children. All entrants must do this and then may do the subsequent entries for the giveaway.
- Entry number 2: "Like" The Good Letdown on facebook. http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Good-Lgivetdown/176102379072353 We'll need to know your name on FB so we can double check! Make a separate comment on this blog post letting us know that you "liked" us on FB.
- Entry number 3: Share this giveaway on facebook. We'll need to know your name on FB so we can double check! Make a separate comment on this blog post letting us know that you shared it on FB.
- Entry number 4: Blog about our giveaway on your blog. Make a separate comment on this blog post sharing the link to your blog!
- Entry number 5: "Like" Kara's Creations on FB. www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Karas-Creations/115996268417919 We'll need to know your name on FB so we can double check! Make a separate comment on this blog post letting us know that you "liked" us on FB.
1/30/11
Break radio silence
| The familiar trio. |
| The purity seals pop now. |
| The pics are all a bit dark, but you get the idea. |
As I mentioned at the top, I've been rooting around in Empire. I got one of the ginormous boxed armies years ago, and added a bit on top of that. Turns out I did a lot more work on it than I thought. I have big blocks of spearmen, halberdiers, and handgunners along with a decent size unit of knights and greatswords, and some various characters and warmachines, all assembled and primed. Perhaps half of the army has paint on it, in varying stages, all painted as Middenheim soldiers. This is nice in that things are much farther along than I thought, but unfortunate in that I was going to do an Altdorf army with a heavy Sigmar presence. I may simply paint the white bits red. I have plenty of time to think about it. Once I lay hands on a Fantasy rulebook I can figure out what end the pointy one is and figure out what I'll be using I can begin to speculate in earnest.
1/29/11
Early Breastfeeding Obstacles Part 5 - Fear
1/28/11
Minnesota Working Mothers - Act Now!
Every woman who has breastfed and returned to work has a story.
It is time to tell those stories.
The recent amendment to the Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA) requires employers to provide reasonable break time and a place for nursing mothers to express breast milk for one year after their child's birth.
It's the law.
Now, the U.S. Department of Labor wants your story and ideas. You have experience with what works and what doesn't when women combine breastfeeding and returning to work. The Dept of Labor seeks information and comments on various issues addressed in this notice as it considers how best to help employers and employees understand the break time for nursing mothers law.
It's easy!
Go to the U.S. Dept of Labor website to submit your comments (2000 characters or less). Want to read or comment on what others have written? Click here!
Make your story and ideas go further. How? Send a copy of any comments you have, whether or not you submit them to the U.S. Dept of Labor, to the Minnesota Breastfeeding Coalition c/o barbking99@yahoo.com
Why? The Minnesota Breastfeeding Coalition wants to gather your story and ideas as we advocate to make Minnesota's exemplary state laws related to breastfeeding in the workplace even more effective for you and other breastfeeding women in the state. Thank you, in advance, for your thoughtful input!
Wondering where to start? Be honest, be specific. Click here for some questions to help you get started.
1/27/11
Guest Blog: Life Lesson #2 for 2011
While the twins were in the NICU I pumped around the clock and was very pleased to be making enough milk for both of them. Their latch was weak and it would take sometimes up to an hour each just to get a full bottle down. At the hospital the boys were born in I worked with a lactation consultant and 3 nurses trained in newborn breastfeeding assessment. The boys were transferred after two weeks to a teaching hospital to treat a rare endocrine condition they had inherited, Pseudohypoaldosteronism. While at that hospital I worked with 2 more lactation consultants. During that time I was only successful once at getting a full nursing session with Connor and was never successful with Seamus.
So what have I recently discovered? Yes, you guessed it the thrush is back. But this time as I face yet another hurdle I do not feel the discouragement and the defeat I once felt. Why? Because I realize now that breastfeeding isn't always easy. I know that sometimes breastfeeding isn't always possible and that is ok. I know now that although formula is over used it is not only a necessary product but a wonderful blessing to those of us that can not provide milk for our babies and do not have access to affordable donor milk. I now understand that I can end up not being able to breastfeed my babies and the world is not going to end. Most importantly I have allowed myself to acknowledge that I can be a good mom and not breastfeed. I have ate not only a slice of humble pie, but the whole pie itself and survived. Personally I think I have became a better more understanding person because of it.
Does this mean I am going to give up?
No, not yet.
You see I still have a few tricks up my sleeve and things to try. I haven't tried probiotics yet. I also am going to start using a SNS that my wonderful and generous friend Liz sent me in the mail for Christmas. The boys have an appointment to get their tongues clipped and most importantly I still believe we have a chance.
So why keep trying? Why is this so important to me?
American Academy of Pediatrics
World Health Organization
UNICEF
Also because of things you can not find in peer reviewed research papers.
Things like the contended look of peace on a breastfeeding baby's face after filling their little bellies.
The improvement of diaper odor.
No running out in the middle of the night because you realize you are out of formula.
No more panic when you are out and about with your little one and suddenly realize you are feeding them the last bottle you brought with you.
The ease and natural rhythm that breastfeeding brings to a nursing mother and her baby.
Why wouldn't I want to give it everything I had in me to try?
Below are some links that I have found helpful in my breastfeeding journey. If you are also struggling you are not alone. Look for help and know that no matter what the outcome at the end of the day breastfeeding is not the sole determining factor of how much you love your baby. Love, like breastmilk, is far more complex than that.
kellymom
http://www.theleakyboob.com/Forum/index.php
Mothering
and of course Dr. Jack Newman linked above
1/26/11
Post Partum Depression
I debated about whether or not to write this post because this is a very difficult thing to talk or write about. You would think that it would be easier because this is a faceless thing, blogging, but for one, many people I know read my blog (I think?) and it's still this deeply personal thing to be experiencing and to talk about. For the first several weeks after Ella was born, everyone, including myself, was waiting with bated breath for post partum depression symptoms to show up in me. Being on bedrest, having a premature baby who was as sick as she was and the fact that I'm prone to anxiety and stress made me exceptionally high risk for PPD (PPD risk factors). I had a 4 week appointment and by then, I was so cheerful it was sick. I had an attitude that since Ella hadn't died those first 2 weeks when she was SO sick and on the ventilator that I could take anything that was sent my way. In fact, I was so disgustingly cheerful, it should have worried me. I went to the doctor for a check up since I had had such severe pre-e and they were shocked by my positive attitude. It seemed that I was in the clear.
It was about two weeks later when I started feeling different, give or take. I started getting crankier then usual. And not just, I'm tired and my baby is in the hospital cranky. Cranky like I was screaming at and spanking my 2 year old for the stupidest little things. Yes, spanking. I've been the occasional hand slapper and the very rare spanker but all of a sudden everything she did was setting me off. Somedays, I'd get up and just think that I was so sick of the same old shi* happening at the NICU, I didn't even want to go to the stupid place. I thought it didn't make any difference and I just didn't want to go. I was sick of it. I was stressed the heck out. I talked to my friends about it and I started retaking my placenta pills (yes, placenta pills. And yes, they are what you think they are) and I started evening out. I was still stressed and got irritated even more easily then usual but I calmed down a little.
One day after her due date, on December 17, Ella came home. I was SO happy. That first day was magical. We had big family cuddles and Olivia was so thrilled that Ella was home. Our family was finally complete and under one roof. My husband's work found a loop hole around FMLA (I don't even want to get into that) so he only had that one day off. It was the next day that the crying began. The hours...and hours...and hours of crying. Did I mention that she cried? And then...she cried some more. She would scream and cry and NOTHING I did would make her stop. For the first day or two, I rocked her and sang to her and loved her and it just didn't really bother me because I was so happy my baby was home. After that....my mind got to the point where the screaming was like nails on my brain. Sometimes she would nurse, sometimes she wouldn't. By the time Shane came home, I'd be sobbing that this baby was horrible and nothing I did made her happy. I felt like a rotten mother. I was failing. And then I started thinking things like, why didn't she act like this in the NICU? Why is she doing this to me at home? Why does she want to make me crazy? I hate this baby. I wish she'd stayed at the NICU. I would cry as I thought these things because I was a rotten mother for thinking it. It just got worse and worse. After about 2 weeks, I figured out how to stop the crying from lasting hours and hours but I had exhausted myself and was to the point where the smallest cry would immediately bring the stress from 0-100% in 1.5 seconds. I was a mess. I was yelling at Olivia and spanking her for no good reason again. Time out was like every 10 minutes at times. I would cry as I did it, knowing I was a mess but feeling like I was spinning out of control. I hated myself for how I was acting towards my girls, especially towards Ella who had spent 74 days in the NICU, fighting for her life and here I was acting like the crappiest mother ever.
The things I've thought and said to my girls during my episodes...I told them both that I hated them, that I wished I'd never had children. I fantasized about getting in the car and leaving my family behind. I didn't want to be around them. I can't even say everything I thought. It was putting a strain on my marriage too because I was uber sensitive to my husband as well. One time, I went to put Olivia (2 year old) in the car and went to the wrong side and my husband asked me why I did that. I LOST it. I screamed at him that I must be a loser and a horrible mother because I didn't know which side of the car Olivia sat on. It was at this point, after a horrible morning of me losing it and being on edge all morning, that I knew it was time to get some help. I wanted to leave my kids and go away. I constantly thought my kids didn't deserve this and they'd be better without me. A few days later, I called the doctor and made an appointment to be seen.
When I went and saw the doctor, I completely broke down. It was obvious to her that I was suffering from pretty bad depression. She prescribed me Zoloft and set me up with a psychologist. I've started the Zoloft and it wasn't long after that I started feeling better. It was like someone flipped a switch in my head. I could deal with my children easier, every word that came out of my husbands mouth didn't make me feel like I wanted to shoot him...and I just feel better overall. I have always had some issues with handling stress and anxiety so throw the fact that I had a traumatic pregnancy as well as a baby in the NICU and it was pretty much a guarantee that I'd have this happen. I could never have imagined that it would get as severe as it did and once it WAS that bad, I never thought I could come out of it. I went to the doctor and when they prescribed me Zoloft, I didn't actually think it would work because I didn't feel like I could ever feel better. I thought I would feel this psycho for the rest of my life and eventually I'd totally lose my mind.
Why am I sharing something so incredibly personal? Because I never, ever thought that PPD could be this bad. I never realized how deeply this can affect women. I was humiliated by my actions and my feelings. Absolutely humiliated. I didn't want to go to the doctor because I was afraid of what they would think, say or do. I wondered if having these kinds of thoughts could get my kids taken away from me. I had asked my husband to make a huge change in our lifestyle so that I could quit my job and stay home with our kids. I had asked for both my children to be conceived so how dare I feel anything but love and appreciation towards them? It seemed like a failure to ask for help from a doctor and even worse, to try medications. But I finally had to and now I realize that there was truly something going on that needed to be fixed. My patience has multiplied. When Ella cries, I don't automatically feel like screaming at her. When Olivia acts up, I don't feel like spanking her and when my husband drives his car into a median, I don't feel like stabbing him in the eye.
I wanted to share my struggles through post partum depression because if another woman experiences this I want her to get help. I want her to know she's not alone. So while it's incredibly hard to write this all, and share it, especially with strangers, I hope that other women know they aren't alone.
1/25/11
Ramblings on Memory, Sleep, Snatches, and Scallops
1. I cooked scallops yesterday, and they were awesome. I am kind of scared of cooking seafood, probably because I am new to it and it seems so complicated, but I am on a mission to add more seafood into my diet. Now is a good time because I can't cook Aaron anything he both likes and can eat, so I may as well please myself. So, I rinsed the scallops; put them in a pan; poured melted bacon grease over them; sprinkled them with salt, pepper, and garlic powder; and broiled them for 8 minutes. They rocked. I ate them all.
2. This morning in my Roman rhetoric class, we discussed memory, one of the 5 canons that Roman rhetoricians considered necessary for the art. It is less necessary for us with widespread literacy and internet access, and we talked about whether it is necessary at all. Clearly we have to be able to remember things to carry out daily tasks, but we were talking more specifically about memorizing texts, lists, poems, rules for composition, etc.
My main reason for defending memorization is fun; I think it's good and useful to have a store of knowledge with which to entertain ourselves in the absence of more passive forms of entertainment. Many a car trip has been filled by trying to remember state capitols, songs about specific rivers, or naming cities along a certain interstate route. Poems are friends I can visit in my head on the bus or when I hike.
But, I am not sure how important memorization is outside of this reason, which is a purely optional value. It can certainly give you street cred as an expert, as one of my classmates pointed out. Are there any non-optional uses for memorization that I am not coming up with?
3. Last night, I snatched 55#. For those of you who know how to do snatches, that probably sounds light. For those of you who don't, you have no idea what I am talking about. So my audience for this comment may be only 4 people. But those 4 people should know that I SNATCHED 55#!!
4. I am so sleep deprived. I have to get up at 5:50 am, but I cannot seem to get to bed by 8:30 or 9! It's so hard to be done with my day that early. I go to Crossfit at either 6:30 or 7:30, depending on the day, and that isn't changeable. I got to class at 8 am down in Atlanta, and that isn't changeable. I would like to sometimes see Aaron in the evening, and that isn't changeable. Does anyone else manage with naps? I might see how working naps into my days would change my sleep schedule and my feeling of being not-so-well-rested.
Cultivating the Virtues Q&A
Jenn writes, "So is there something you've been wondering about Positive Discipline or Objectivism? Is there a specific challenge you are trying to handle with your own kid that you'd like another Mommy Opinion about? Do you think we are really off-base with all of this non-punitive discipline stuff and want to challenge us? Well then, please head over to our question page and ask us! And vote up good questions from others, too."
Off Topic Tuesday - Evolution of Sleep
1/24/11
Penny Pincher - Convert-a-tank
So I decided to destroy a couple of my stretchy, ribbed, maternity tank tops to create NON-SHELF-BRA nursing tanks. It's simple, straightforward, and cheap, which I like.
using the old surged seam as a guide, I took this tank in about an inch or so. |
| The altered tank top laid out for ya. Shown with The Toddler |
Now you can wear the tank under any ol' shirt, you can have any color (ribbed tanks are inexpensive, as are plain ol' jersey knit tanks. When you are nursing in public, your tummy is covered for your own comfort, you aren't sweating like a pig because you're wearing too many layers on your chest, you're not fuddling with all the clasps, and you can wear a nursing bra that actually supports your boobs.
I know this isn't revolutionary...but it seriously only took me 30 minutes, and I like this better than the shelf-tanks A LOT!





