Baby Led What?

I guess you can consider this a bit of a follow up on my Sleep Thing posts. I've had to come to a realization about what my son's needs are and it has meant a lot of thinking on what mothering is about for me.

I am exhausted. Chase is not a good sleeper and he nurses most of the night so I have not had a good night's sleep in a year. Since he was six months old I've been on and off scrambling to gently guide him towards less nursing and more sleeping at night. A few weeks ago I was pretty much having a mental breakdown about the whole thing. My husband has been sleeping in the guest room for a couple months while I've been trying to find an arrangement for Chase that respects both his need for night time parenting and nursing and my need for sleep. In order to find some guidance I picked up a book I thought I never would pick up: Dr. Sears's Attachment Parenting Book. I'm not done yet but it has really helped me to better understand the inner battle I'm having with the sleep issue in my house.

I enjoy sleeping with Chase, he is a snuggly, delicious little boy and he loves to sleep close to me. It's a beautiful thing. I also love that he has access to me when the need strikes him at night. I think he is more secure because he knows he can count on me to be there for him whenever he needs me. I've often said that for a baby, their wants are the same as their needs. Chase has reached an age now where the two are beginning to differentiate. So, he WANTS to eat the crayon, but he certainly doesn't need to. For some families Chase's desire to sleep in my bed at night (he adamantely refuses to sleep in his crib any more than thirty or fourty minutes) is a want, a habit, and not a need. I beg to differ. I believe that he needs to sleep with me. As he crosses more milestones, grows and learns with every passing day, he needs the reassurance that in this great big, exciting, sometimes frightening world, his mama will always be there for him. He needs to feel safe, and he needs me to help him feel that way at night when he is most vulnerable.

So I tested the waters with limiting night nursing and moving him to his own space to sleep, but he did not respond well. I had to read his signals. This is following his lead. Baby Led sleep is as important (to me) as baby led breastfeeding. I feel like he needs me to follow his cues, he wasn't responding positively to gentle sleep guidance, so...we will wait and try again later. I think I can handle this.

What I call the "Baby-Led Lifestyle" is not easy. Parenting in general is not easy, and I'm not saying that my kids rule the roost, but on meaningful issues like sleep maturity, nursing, food, and independance, I think it is important for my boys to have their cues recognized and respected. This probably would be referred to as "Attachment Parenting" by a lot of people, but I'm sorry, I really don't like that term because it then gives the impression that if you are not parenting within those parameters, you are not attached to your children. Baby-Led gives more of an impression of give and take. I see an opportunity for growth, I follow his lead. We go too far beyond what he is ready for, we back off a bit. I can encourage his growth and development in a positive way by watching how he responds and following his lead.

I will admit to being exhausted. I will admit to wishing I had the balls to have him Cry-It-Out on particularly difficult nights. Come the light of day, however (and a few cups of coffee) I know that I"m doing the right thing by my boys. Is Aiden allowed to sleep with us every night? Will I give him unlimited sippy cups as he works through his usual delay tactics? No. But if he wakes feeling unsafe or unwell in the night and needs to sleep next to mom or dad, he can do that. This is a great big world he is trying to learn his place in, and he needs to know we are there for him when it gets a little frightening. This gives him the strength and confidence to move forward and grow more within it.

I also remind myself that being a mom is not meant to be easy. It's not a small or simple task to be trusted with the growth and development of people, and yes, as a mom, I frequently have to put my kids' needs before my own. As parents, once we stop trying to fit our children into our existing lives and recognize that our children ARE our lives and start working other things (including ourselves) around their needs, our perspective changes. YES, the child's need is more important than my needs, they are are still growing and maturing, we are their guideposts in this crazy world, and they need us more than we need pretty much anything. We can be more compassionate about their needs, following their cues instead of trying to teach them to make our lives more convenient. Being a mom isn't about convenience to me. Do I love anything that makes my life easier? Heck yes, but not at the expense of my children's emotional and physical development. Sign me up for bouncy seats so I can get a shower when my little baby is fussy, an exersaucer to safely contain my baby while I finish making a meal, and even a little TV if I need my toddler distracted long enough that I can finish up something I'm doing. But overall, it's more important to meet their needs than anything else is going on.

My house is a mess a lot. I'm ok with this too, because a spotless home is the sign of a neglected child.

I am by NO MEANS a perfect parent, not even close. Maureen Campion, a therapist and Attachment Parent in Minnesota, posted a wonderful perspective on a post once that has stuck with me for the last year or so: if we are good enough and do our best 80% of the time, the other 20% doesn't matter so much. So yea, sometimes I want to drop both boys off on a curb somewhere, and sometimes I just want to lock myself in a closet for some peace and quiet...but overall I am striving to follow my boys' leads where it matters most for their emotional development. Sometimes I fail, but that's OK, because more often than not, I am meeting their needs when they arise and I am following their lead as best as I know how and am able to.

I think I will copyright the term "Baby Led Parenting." It makes sense doesn't it? According to The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding if we allow babies and young children to lead the way on eating...nurse and eat when they are hungry, however much or little they choose, we are fostering the development of healthy eating habits later in life. The book refers to a study that found that children who were fed on schedules, a set amount were more likely to eat everything on their plate at age 3...regardless of how much their was...because they were taught to eat what they were given regardless of hunger. Dr. Sears and many other child development experts talk about the importance of night-time parenting to a child's social and emotional development, largely stating that following your baby/child's cues on sleep will help to foster healthier sleep habits as the child grows.

So there you have it, that's my sleep update. Chase has been waking up A LOT in the last week and I'm very tired, but I'm keeping his needs in perspective. He is teething, coming down with a cold, and coming up on more milestones. They are only little once, and I only have one chance to get this "right" for them. I can do this.

New plan for Ella's sleep!

Last night was probably one of the worst nights we've had in a while. I was at my wits end and it didn't help that Olivia (almost 3) woke up as well and had a royal tantrum. So this morning, I was texting Megz while also researching some stuff on my phone and came up with a new plan.

New plan for Ella: Megz and I were talking and came up with a theory that maybe this isn't about sleep. Maybe it's leftover trauma from her NICU stay. Megz suggested that maybe falling asleep feels similiar to being paralyzed. Maybe...it could be! So, new plan. No pack and play. She does NOT like to sleep away from me so I'm going to make an essential oil blend/buy a blend that promotes relaxation, sleep and reduces anxiety (still doing research on the exact combination that's best but they all go hand in hand). Each night, before bed, I'm going to go in our bedroom, set up relaxing music and give her a massage using these oils and an organic lotion or maybe coconut or sweet almond oil. I'm also going to get an oil burner so that our room smells like this. Then, I'll nurse her and we'll lay in bed and relax and be calm.

I'm also going to get a lovey or make one, and start holding it whenever we're doing something calm. Nursing, cuddling, sleeping. We'll sleep with it together so that it smells like us together and let breastmilk get on it so it smells like my milk as well. We'll associate the lovey with all good things. Being relaxed, loved, snuggled and fed.  I'm going to make sure our room is a nice temperature and dress in appropriate pajamas,...maybe even just a diaper cover over her diaper (otherwise she takes the darn thing off!!!).

I'm getting a laptop next week with my financial aid so I'll start doing my homework in our room so that as soon as she starts stirring, I'm right there and can pat her to sleep. That seems to be somewhat effective, which makes me wonder if waking up alone is scary for her, which would make sense...her first 74 days of life were spent in a crib alone, as opposed to nestled in her mamas tummy like she was supposed to.

Off Topic Tuesday - Evolution of Sleep

Introducing... Off Topic Tuesday... :) We can't talk about boobs all the time, can we? Well, we probably could... but other stuff is important too.

With Chicken Little (CL) we initially started off with him in a bassinet next to the bed. This was the same bassinet that my husband slept in as an infant. It had been through six children and had seen better days, but we still used it. Rooster took two weeks off of work and stayed in the room with us.

When Rooster returned to work it was painfully obvious that he needed to sleep in another room as CL was waking hourly for feeding, and even during his sleep he made gremlin gurgle noises all the time. We asked around for advice, and only received responses of putting him in another room and closing the door. THAT wasn't going to happen, so Rooster set up the spare bedroom for himself and came in to help me around two times a night by doing a diaper change so I could go get a snack or use the bathroom. Team work!

When CL was a few weeks old I booked myself a massage. I had been getting monthly massages for a few years, and knew I was overdue after having baby. While CL slept in the car seat he continued to make his gremlin noises. At the end of the massage Katy asked me if I knew that his noises were timed every 3-4 minutes on the dot and she thought that CL might be having some flashbacks to his traumatic delivery. She suggested I take him to see a chiropractor. Longing for better sleep I figured it was worth a shot! I booked an appointment with a trusted chiropractor I had seen years earlier for a back injury. Long story short, three visits later and he never made the gremlin noise again AND he slept much better. I cannot tell you how happy we were!

CL still seemed a little restless overnights, and I officially decided that he did not like the bassinet. The mattress for it was very noisy and crinkly from the waterproof features, and I felt like he was just too low and far away from me. I purchased the First Years Close and Secure sleeper. It is essentially a travel bed. I kept it on the mattress right next to me and loved it!

When he outgrew that little bed I was super sad. I tried having him just sleep in the bed with me, but he did not appear to like that and I was dangerously close to getting some chipped teeth from his leg braces as he moved about in the night. If you think co-sleeping with a baby is dangerous in it of itself for regular kicks in the face... try adding the feature of hard plastic molded shoes and a crossbar!! The next option on my horizon was putting him in a pack n' play next to the bed using the lofted function. This worked, but I was not a fan of the added stress on my back from lifting and reaching down to comfort him.

Then I had the idea to put our bed on the ground and sandwich the crib mattress between it and the wall. This worked wonderfully... until CL started to get more mobile and slide out the bottom which had no wall to trap him in. We tried several things to block him in, but he always found a way to end up on the floor.

I'm not sure how, but I stumbled upon a video explaining how to side-car a crib. Basically you take a regular crib and only install three of the sides, leaving the front open. The open end should match up with your own mattress. It was like having a separate wing to our bed! Everyone loved it - and Rooster even moved back into the room! We slept this way until CL became mobile at 11 months old, and then put the front on the crib. He was never much of a cuddler for co-sleeping, he just wanted to hold my hand occasionally. I would slip in through the slats of the crib whenever he needed it.

At 18 months we finally gave him a room of his own. He had actually had our room all to himself for about a month. I sustained a serious leg injury and was sleeping in the spare room alone, and my husband was a hermit just sleeping where ever. We reclaimed our room with vengeance. But we set it up "family bed" style by taking a queen mattress and double mattress and putting them together. We have a giant bed all ready for with the kids want to snuggle.

For my newborn Chicklett I'll probably go straight into the side-car crib once she is old enough to need some corralling. For now she is a cuddle bug and enjoys being right in bed with me.