Body Image Part 2: Body Battles

As I was changing the profile picture on my facebook today, I hesitated. It was a new picture of me at the hospital with Ella, wearing her in my sling. I look at my face and I saw how much it had widened with the 56 pounds I gained during pregnancy. The width of my waist. The size of my arms. My heart clenched and all I could think was how fat I looked. How my post-pregnancy body looked like that of a sumo wrestler in training. I didn't want to share this picture with everyone because then they would see how...gasp...FAT I was.

Last month, Meg wrote about nursing and body image. I could relate to her post, not because I felt bad about my breasts but because I feel about every square inch of my skin. There isn't a body part I can't complain about. Believe me, I'm a professional hater of my own body. And it's exhausting. It's exhausting to focus on how much I dislike my body and it affects my relationship with my husband AND my kids. It affects my nursing relationship, even though I try not to let it. When I lift my shirt, I see my stomach, and the rolls I have. If I take my shirt off and I'm just wearing my nursing tank top, I think about how big my arms are and wonder if people are looking at them. When I'm looking down at my daughter while we're nursing, I think about my double chin. I'm serious...it's sick. I think about nursing in public after Ella comes home and I WILL do it because I believe that my baby shouldn't be forced to wait to eat, but I fear not so much the looks of people because I'm nursing in public but because of my heft.

Prior to pregnancy, I lost almost 40 lbs and I went from an 18/20 to a small size 14. I was really feeling good about myself but with this pregnancy, I was nauseas the entire thing and carbs were the ONLY thing that helped. Then I got PIH which later turned into severe preeclampsia and oh my God, did I gain. I gained about 25 lbs of water retention in a few weeks. At the end, I was gaining sometimes 3 or 4 pounds a DAY....in a matter of hours sometimes! One day, while in the hospital, I gained 4 lbs in 12 hours. I have new stretch marks and loose skin from the rapid weight gain. It just adds more fuel to my abusive relationship I have with my own body. While I've lost almost 30 lbs of the weight I gained during pregnancy, I still have a long way to go and the loose skin isn't going anywhere without plastic surgery. I have some big girls in my family and it's a constant battle against brownies and genetics to not blow up.

Ella and I getting ready for our first walk in the ICC

This is a really difficult thing to write about. It's easy to hide behind an armor you put up, calling yourself fat so that someone else won't do it but to come right out and admit that it's how you truly feel and how you truly see yourself as well as just how much it affects your life is very difficult. I just hope that as I work through these issues, even if I never get back down to what I was pre-pregnancy or smaller as is my goal, I won't let it negatively affect my nursing relationship with Ella or worse, my relationship with my 2 girls, and later on their own image of themselves. I constantly worry about how my own body image will affect them emotionally and psychologically. It's something I know I need to work on.

What's your battle with body image and nursing, or even not nursing, just body image in general?

Apparently, I'm a milk missionary

I got to nurse today. A full, empty both breasts, belch her head off nursing. It was so amazing! And it wasn't my baby.

Whatttttttttttttttt? Did you read that right?

Why yes, you did read it right! Meg hooked me up with a mama who feeds her baby almost purely donor milk from another state. She was coming into town and didn't want to bring her stash in case something happened to it and wanted to know if someone would be able to donate about 60 oz to get them through. Christaaaaaaaaaaa to the rescue. Of course, as you all know, my supply is I-N-S-A-N-E so I was more then happy to be able to help them out. They came over today and it was time for their beautiful 4 month old daughter to eat. I offered to pump fresh milk for them and the mama told me if I wanted, I could just nurse her. I was more then happy to do so (elated might be a word to use....I wanted to nurse a baby with a good suck!!). The mama said baby would LOVE it if she got to nurse since the mama wasn't able to nurse her (or wasn't able to nurse her much, I'm not totally sure). She latched right on and emptied both breasts in a record time. It was pretty fabulous!

I think this probably occurs more often then we would think. As you all read in our previous post Nursing Babies in Event of What If, the three of us have a plan for sharing milk or nursing each others babies if needed. It doesn't even phase us to think about nursing each others babies. This mama was taking my milk and her baby needed to eat...it never occurred to me NOT to breastfeed her baby, even though essentially, she was a stranger. In a way though, we aren't. We're connected by our motherhood and by the desire to feed our babies breastmilk no matter what. I can't describe it but there was something so special and amazing to have this mama there who was unable to nurse her baby and to be nursing her baby. I wish I could think of how I want to say it but it just connected me to this mama immediately. It was very special. :)

(On a funny note though, I have to tell you what Olivia said. She was giving us the weirdest look and got a little upset, then said "Mama! She BITE!!!" hahahaha)

What do you think? Would you donate milk? Would your nurse someone elses baby? A friends baby? A strangers baby?