However, I also hate hate hate the kind of people who think kids should be locked up until their manners and silence are developed enough to meet the Queen. In case these people haven't noticed, children are the young of our species. Get over it. They live in the world and want to get to experience it, too. If a baby cries for one second and its mom puts a boob in its mouth, rejoice instead of sneering. That's the way it's supposed to be; children are allowed to make a little bit of noise, just like you.
The first kind of person, who makes every activity about the child, gives in to its every desire, and does not consider the rights of others in the world, is child-centered. As I have written before, I think a child-centered life is a disaster for both parent and child. It leads to a resentful parent and a spoiled child. The second kind of person, who thinks the world revolves around him and who feels entitled to never be inconvenienced even a tiny bit by others in public places, seems to want a world that is totally adult-centered. How they think that these children will grow up to be adults anyone can stand to be around without being taken to civilized places is beyond me.
If you put loud children who are the whole focus of their parents' adoring attention on one end of a line and snooty yuppies who think McDonald's is the only restaurant a child should be seen in at the other end, you might think that the answer is to balance the two. As usual, the correct answer is not found in the middle of the wrong ones. It's not even on the line.
It's possible to be child-friendly, but not child-centered. I recently saw it in action.
I have been singing Sacred Harp for a month or two, and I went to a big singing at a tiny church near Atlanta. Singing is done in a square with a volunteer leader in the middle. I first noticed how unusual the congregation's attitude toward children was when I saw a little boy (maybe 4?) go to his father, who was leading the singing.
So that you can imagine the set-up, here's a photo of a Sacred Harp singing.
Because his dad was the center of the group, everyone could see him as he squeezed his way to the front and leaned his head against his dad while he stood directing and singing. The usual reaction would be either to send the little boy right away or to focus attention on him (adult-focused or child-focused). This dad did neither. He let the boy hold onto him and move around at his feet while he continued right on doing what he was doing.
I looked around to see if other people were annoyed by the distraction, but they weren't distracted! Except for an old lady or two, who were looking at the boy sweetly, no one else was paying him any attention at all. The attitude seemed to be that the presence of a child was expected, and everybody went about their own business. How refreshing! No one was oohing and ahhing over him like blathering idiots, and no one was scowling at him as if he had a disease that was catching.
There was a group of older children who were playing quietly away from the singing square. No one was paying them the least mind. A baby was sitting on her mother's lap while the mom sang, and the baby made a little bit of happy noise, not enough to bother anyone. Occasionally, an older lady would take the baby and bounce her while singing.
The 4 year old boy who was standing with his dad started to get a little rambunctious, playing too energetically for the center of the singing circle. Without the dad saying anything, a man in the front row took the boy's hand and led him out of the circle. I didn't see where he went, but since he came right back, I assume he left the little boy with the group of older children. During this process, no one stopped singing, and no one batted an eye. Inappropriate behavior, it seems, was also expected. When it happened, it was stopped but without any malice or scowling from child-haters and without any bribing or pleading from child-spoilers.
I so enjoyed this child-friendly atmosphere because I love the idea of generational mixing. I like that children are learning by example and from people other than their parents. I like that old people are interacting with the young, providing them the wisdom that comes from experience, and that the young are enlivening the singing of these older people. I like that children and adults were able to coexist in a way that was fun for both.
And I love that the atmosphere wasn't child-centered. The adults were pursuing their own values (singing and companionship) with other adults. The purpose of the gathering wasn't to entertain or to educate the children, and thank heavens, no one tried to make it all Disney-fied. The singing was designed around the needs of the adults, yet the children were welcome to participate as long as they didn't detract from the adults' gathering.
Here are some ways my life is child-friendly, but not child-centered:
- Livy went with me to a party Friday night, where she mostly played Super Mario and then fell asleep in my lap as I talked to friends about Standard English and how to teach it.
- She watches many adult movies (not that kind!) with Aaron and me.
- We take her to dinner with us at all kinds of restaurants. We ignore children's menus, for the most part, and expect that she will eat normal food like a normal human.
- She goes to work with me occasionally and hangs out while I teach. I hope to take her more this semester, as she is really very useful for my students to learn spotting.
- When I am working at home, I am happy to have her around, but I don't interact with her every second. Mostly, she does her stuff near me, where I am doing my stuff.
Take that hovering, helicopter mommies! Take that child-hating curmudgeons!
P.S. Here's a another cool picture of a singing where kids are welcomed: Lookout Mountain in 1968
