Okay, so Diana Hsieh of Noodlefood fame has this really cool offer up on her blog. Basically, she wants some paying to do a podcast on finding romantic prospects. (Everyone please go and pledge cause you know it will be good and I want to hear it.) Aside from being a nice business idea, I am really interested in what she has to say. I even pledged a little bit of cash so I could see it, even though I am happily coupled. I'm interested partly I love all psychology, romance, and people talk, partly cause almost everything Diana writes or podcasts about is interesting to me, and partly because I don't understand why so many Oists find it so hard to get either a significant other or at least some play.
Since her offer went up, I have been thinking about finding romantic partners, about friends who have had real trouble with this, and about my own experiences. I have never had any trouble finding people to date, screw, love, etc, and I am not sure why my experiences are so different from other peoples'.
So full disclosure: I am not especially pretty and am usually at least a little bit overweight. I am not rich or likely ever to be unless I marry me a sugar daddy. I am a lot of fun, but I can be a real bitch. Being close to me is kind of a roller coaster ride of highs and lows. I am smarter than your average bear, but also kind of a know-it-all. I tell you all these things so that it is clear that I am not the super hot, successful, Dagny kind of girl or that super sweet nice girl that men are supposed to want to marry.
And yet, my life has been filled up to the brim with romance. Since my first rocking great boyfriend at age 16, I have had a string of fabulous men and women, some amazing lovers, some short-term quick burn-out romances, and a few deep and meaningful long term relationships. My heart has been broken a few times, but even those unrequited loves had the kind of emotinal value I can't regret and wouldn't undo.
So, why have I had such good luck, if it is luck? I'm not really sure. I'm going to name the things I do differently in pursuing relationships than most people I know, but I'm not writing the list as advice. Some of the things may just be things about me that would not work well for everyone. Some may not even be good things. This is just an exploratory list.
1. I am frank to a fault, and I tend to just tell people what I am thinking and feeling. "Wow, I really like you a lot." and "Wanna go home with me?" are hard to put out there if you are thinking ahead about what they answer is likely to be. But if you just hear them coming out of your mouth before you can contemplate the possibility of rejection, it's not too hard. :) And they often get good results. Of course, some people don't want to hear your real feelings, but those people hurt my feelings a little and then move out of my life. The ones who like frankness stay put and are the kind who will enjoy me in the long run. And rejection hurts, but not for that long.
2. I like what I can get. I don't know if it is a coincidence or if I have automatized it, but I don't pine after people whose qualities put them out of my league. I can be very attracted to a guy who isn't super good looking. I don't need lots of wealth or super intelligence or a perfect body. Which is a good thing cause I am not that perfect myself. I probably couldn't get Brad Pitt with the brains of Einstein and the money of Buffet. So, whether I have learned to like the kind of guys I can pull or whether it's just a fluke that I don't need those qualities, it serves to make me happy, I think. Achievable goals and all that.
3. I have not always been on the search for my one true love and soul-mate. First, I think all that soul-mate jazz is a bunch of malarkey, and second, I have stuff to do. I get busy living my life, and when an attractive person comes along, I leap. And I don't try to figure out if a person is a life long potential before I enjoy hanging out, hop into the sack, and get emotionally involved. It hurts when things don't work out, but it hurts more to never get to live that initially exciting part of relationships. The perfect is the enemy of the good, and sometimes waiting for the perfect relationship means passing up some really good ones and being alone.
4. I have a real big range of people I can like. I only get at all serious with Oists (because I gotta have that rationality, dude), but other than that, people in the world are neat-o in so many different ways, and sometimes I find out that I like things I ever thought I would have liked. I can be into people of different physical types, different personality types, different interests, different backgrounds. There are certain things that match well for me, but I don't stick too closely to my list. Lists are so limiting, if you don't veer off of them for a cool, but unexpected, person.
5. I don't worry about getting hurt. It happens and it sucks, but it's worth it. So much better for me to be the kind of person who leaps in, head first. Sometimes I whack my head on the bottom of the pool, but mostly I find really awesome deep pools. Yay metaphors that go too long.
6. I don't play games, though I wish I could. I have often wanted to be mysterious, be the femme fatal type, but I just don't think I have it in me. The guys who want that don't want me, and that's okay. There are plenty of folks who love openness and full disclosure. I don't totally agree with Darcy when he said, "Disguise of every sort is my abhorrence," but I do think that disguising oneself in relationships leads to partners who aren't right for us and to feelings of being psychologically invisible.
I'd love some feedback from my readers on this. Why is it hard for Oists to find romantic prospects? Why are so many that I know so lonely? What made it different for me? What has your experience been?
