Book Review: Parenting a Free Child: An Unschooled Life

I love to read books about unschooling (what I like to call life-learning), especially the ones that describe the daily lives of unschoolers. I like to know what other people are doing, get new ideas, and feel re-inspired about our lifestyle. I recently read Parenting a Free Child: An Unschooled Life by Rue Cream. Even though our thoughts on education are similar in some ways, I really hated parts of this book, and I wanted to write a review. I hope that the review will serve to illuminate further the way I choose to interact with my child.

The book is organized into questions and answers. I like the format because many of the questions are ones that we get all the time. It's interesting to me to see someone else's answers. Even when some of them irritate me to death.

I thought I would post some quotes and then tell you why I didn't like them.

"To unschool is to be available to find a map, read a book, time a swimming race, bake a cake, or play a game at a moment's notice."

Dude, are you your child's servant? I like to spend time with my child (I can't imagine homeschooling would be a good choice for someone who didn't), but I have other things I want to do as well. Housework, writing, reading, French, a nap, etc. I will usually be glad to help with things, but the child might have to wait until I am finished with what I am doing. Sometimes I might be in the mood to jump right up and play a game; sometimes not. That's life, kid. Better to learn it now. Your fun, your learning, and your life are your own responsibility. I will help, but I am not your programmable mom-bot.

"In any situation where a child has to ask me for help in order to do something, I feel it is my responsibility to happily give that help."

Mom-bot alert again. Not only do I not feel I have to do everything that they cannot do themselves, I certainly don't feel I have to be happy about it. There are some things that are essential. I would never refuse to nurse a tiny, hungry baby or help a child who is throwing up or respond to a real emotional crisis. However, most of the things children want are not essential. Just because you cannot read yet does not mean that I should drop whatever I am doing to read whatever you want me to whenever you want me to. However, asked nicely, I will almost always come to a stopping place in what I am doing and read whatever you need.

"Dagny and Rowan have their own money and equal access to any money the family has. We asked them how much money they needed each month, and that's what they get. . . . They are not required to spend it on certain things; if they want to save it all they're free to spend money from the family budget instead if it's available."

I think this is patently ridiculous. Livy receives an allowance with no strings attached, but we decided together how much it should be. She didn't just get to say. And having equal control over the family's money? If you are mature enough to control a household's money, I think you should get a job and start controlling your own. The reason I financially support Livy fully is because she can't do it herself. When she can, she will have to. I don't have any problem with a child participating in financial decisions; in fact, I support it. What better way to learn how it works? But when it comes down to a final decision, my partner and I make it. For us, unschooling is about the child being the boss of his own life, not the boss of ours.

"We do not make Rowan and Dagny go to the doctor. They choose to go to the doctor when they don't feel well and want help to feel better, just as I do."

On the surface, I agree with this. Most doctor visits would be optional for Livy. If you would rather suffer through a sinus infection instead of going to the doctor, that is fine by me. Unless you are waking up all night long and waking me up with you. Then it is "our" problem, and I would have some input on whether you go to the doctor. But, what would Rue Cream do if a child had a serious injury? I handled situations at the gym where a child has broken a bone and must go to the hospital but begs and begs not to go. They aren't behaving rationally; they are scared and immature. I believe that in situations where serious bodily injury or death or mental health or the rights of others are at stake, a parent must insist on a rational course of action, no matter how much the child may not like it. I have prevented a screaming toddler from running into the street, forced Livy into a car seat, and I would certainly make a child go to the ER with a broken leg. None of these are good situations, and I would try my best to help the child feel better about them, but in the end, I will not let you permanently damage the only body you get before you are old enough to protect it yourself. I owe it to the adult Livy to see that her leg gets healed.

There are also many things I liked in the book, so I'll share some of those, too.

"If even one person in the family is feeling over scheduled, you can all work together to come up with a solution that gives everyone what s/he needs and wants."

I like that one because so often kids are the focus of the family, and mom and dad run themselves ragged trying to meet the child's needs. It is so much healthier for everyone to work out a plan together that meets everyone's needs as much as possible. Example: Livy is an introvert, and I am an extrovert. We are constantly problem solving to find ways for me to get out and about and among people enough and for her to get plenty of downtime. Today, I wanted to go to the zoo. She wanted to stay home all day. We compromised by staying home some and by going on a less dramatic outing (a long walk to lunch and the town square playground) so that I could get out of the house.

While addressing questions about homeschoolers and socialization, Rue Cream writes, "Am I worried about socialization? Yes, but not for my own children." She goes on to talk about the "culture of conformity" in schools. I agree with her. Age segregation and the intensified peer focus of children who interact primarily with their peers are some of the worst aspects of school. I want Livy to know that age is just a number and that friendships should be based on common values. So far, she can enjoy toddlers, preschoolers, kids her own age, and older kids (she generally doesn't have much interest in adults, yet), and I want her to keep her openness to people of different ages. I want her to see people in all different stages of life, and I hope that will give her some perspective when faced with pressure to conform to the standards of her friends.

There were a million other things she said that I agreed with, mostly because she believes children should decide for themselves what to do with their time. The theme over and over throughout the book is "When you feel that you must force your child to do something, reevaluate." Unlike Rue Cream, I do force some things (life, limb, mental health, and the rights of others), but I think it is excellent to think carefully about how often we force our children to do things. It is incredibly rare in our house, and we manage to live happily, mostly peacefully, and not fall into chaos.

While I agreed with her basic premise (freedom for children), I thought that the way it is carried out in her house gives a wrong impression of what unschooling should be. It isn't a family where the desires of the child dictate what the family does. It is a family where the desires of each member of the family dictate what that particular member does. I'm not the boss of Livy (except in rare circumstances), but that doesn't make her the boss of me either.