The Nature of Children

Just as it is important for us to define the nature of humans before we start to talk about ethics, we should also define the nature of children before we start to talk about parenting.

First, are children rational (i.e. able to use reason to make decisions)? This is a more complex question than it seems. Babies certainly are not. Small children come in and out of rationality, sometimes able to reason, sometimes not. Older children reach a point where they are capable of reason, but they may not yet have the practice and judgment to be left completely in charge of every aspect of their lives. Reason develops as all other abilities do, over time. There is not a day when suddenly a child goes from being utterly incapable of reason to able to use it all the time.

So, are children rational in the way adults are? No, they are not always capable of using reason. However, they are not irrational, either. They are not to be likened to adults who choose not to use reason when they are able to. They simply have not fully developed the capability yet.

Are they a-rational like animals? No, even though they are not constantly capable of using reason, they are developing this capacity all the time. They are not completely without rationality, even at a very young age (as seen in concept formation of toddlers). They have the potential for rationality at all times, unlike animals, and their brains are engaged in the growth toward rationality at all times.

I think of children as proto-rational. Though we cannot take for granted that they are able to reason at all times, we must constantly be aware of their potential for and growth towards rationality.

Next, these proto-rational creatures, like all humans, are neither inherently good or inherently bad. They have the potential to choose to be good or bad. There are metaphysically given facts about human children (I believe a drive toward the ability to reason is one of them), but there can be no inherent moral states. Morality is, by it's very definition, the realm of choice.

I have also observed that children have a built-in desire to imitate and please the adults around them. This is not second-handedness, as it would be in an adult, because they do not choose it. Perhaps this desire to please evolved as a survival strategy. I can imagine that it would greatly increase the chances for survival if a young child imitated the adults in the tribe and sought their approval by obeying the survival oriented commands he was given.

I have also observed that children all want to be adults and to succeed in adult tasks. Even in the face of parents who glorify a fairy tale idea of childhood, children still beg for more privileges, more responsibility, more adult roles.

Obviously, much more could be said about the nature of children, and science has much to discover about how they grow and develop and the nature of their psychological relationships with adults. These are only my preliminary observations about the what children are.

Now, what do we do with these observations? As regular readers of my blog know, I am an advocate of non-punitive discipline, and I believe that it is the rational way to parent in accord with the nature of children.

Because they are proto-rational, not a-rational or irrational, we must teach a rational approach to problem solving. We cannot train them through rewards and punishments (behaviorism), as we would a-rational animals. We cannot be unkind to them, using retribution or a withdrawal of time or affection, assuming that they were capable of better choices, as we might an irrational adult (though I have my doubts about how appropriate that is even with adults behaving irrationally, if we want to maintain relationships with them). Instead, we must use tools that teach better behaviors while respecting the burgeoning rationality of the child.

Because children are not inherently good, we cannot expect good behavior without practice. They must learn to make the choices that lead to positive outcomes (the good), and they must learn not to make choices that harm them (the bad). We cannot expect them to know things until they have had a chance to observe adults or experience the consequences of an action first hand. We cannot be angry because they don't know how to behave - that is putting a wish before reality. No matter how much we wish children might be inherently good and make the right choices with ease, reality doesn't work that way.

Because children are not inherently bad, we cannot assume that any annoying behavior is malicious. They rarely are, in m experience, and never are in very, very young children. Their poor choices are not the result of a bad character. Children's characters are not set; they are still forming. This is why advocates of non-punitive discipline choose to assume positive intent. Instead of thinking of children as bad and needing to be straightened out, we think of them as inexperienced, acting wrongly, often because they have not connected an action to its negative consequences yet. Assuming positive intent is like being innocent until proven guilty. I assume that kids are acting with poor information and with poor judgment until I am sure there is malice or intentional irrationality in the behavior (incredibly rare, in my experience, which is limited to youngish kids).

Because children are so driven to please the adults in their lives, rewards and punishments are particularly damaging. We want children to grow towards independence, to practice this virtue along with their growing rationality, and so we should let reality teach the lessons as often as possible. A parent who rewards and punishes strengthens their child's reliance on outside judgment, rather than helping him to strengthen his reliance on his own judgment, on his own evaluation of how beneficial a behavior is to his life.

Also, because of children's natural reliance on their parents, it is very easy to manipulate children emotionally. It is very easy to convince a child that he loves soccer and hates baseball by showing him (even in subtle ways) that soccer is the better choice for him. By using our enthusiasm for our values to influence our children, we can teach them to make their own values subservient to ours. We must guard against influencing a child's values and tastes, carefully not crossing the line between expressing our own values and dictating his.

It is also important to remember that modeling virtuous behavior is the best way to teach it to children. No amount of great parenting is going to make a child do right if his parents don't do right. We can capitalize on their drive to mimic by giving them a good subject to copy.

Finally, the observation that children want to be adults and want to grow and learn to be successful helps a non-punitive parent remember to explain and problem solve instead of punishing. Since children want to succeed in reality, they are open to learning which actions lead to success and which to failure. They can often find ways to solve problems themselves (with some help in knowing what the process is) because they are motivated to learn to be like adults (again, it would really help if they see adults solving problems and improving their behavior). Their desire to grow up and succeed should fuel their desire to grow into the virtues, since the virtues are our keys to success (and parents should be demonstrating this all the time).

Okay, big post, first thoughts on this subject. I'd love feedback.

Parenting Tool: Reframing Annoying Personality Traits

Since Rational Jenn posted her PD: One Word post, I have been thinking about some of my most beloved parenting tools. One of the tools I use most frequently is reframing. I first learned about this wonderful tool in the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. The book is one of my favorite parenting books (very compatible with non-punitive discipline), and I think much of the advice is applicable even if you don't end up with a particularly spirited kid.

Basically, the idea is that some of the traits that make children (and adults as well) hard to deal with can be viewed as good qualities when looked at long-term. We all come equipped with different kinds of personality traits, and once we learn to control them, they can be assets to our lives. For instance, the kind of child who has real trouble stopping what he is doing in order to listen to you may turn out to be a Howard Roark with eyes only for his goal. This doesn't let us out of having to teach him how to stop and listen when it is necessary; it is essential to help the child learn to use his personality rationally. The difference is a shift in attitude. Instead of not listening and being awful at transitions, we can choose to think of the child as persistent and focused. It is much easier to work on solutions in this frame of mind.

Here is a list of traits that we generally think of as negative, reframed into more positive attributes:

explosive, over-emotional = powerful emotions, dramatic, expressive
silent, anti-social = introspective, thoughtful
pig-headed, stubborn = determined, persistent
doesn't listen = focused, independent
fearful, a chicken = cautious, an observer
can't sit still, rowdy = physically active, energetic

You get the idea. Once you can identify the positive side to your child's (or partner's or co-worker's) annoying traits, then you are in a good mindset to kindly help her gain control of them. Here are some personal examples:

Livy is a very, very emotional, intense, expressive child. When she was a toddler, she didn't just say "no," like most of the children I know. She screamed it at the top of her lungs right into my face at the smallest provocation. "Would you like some hamburger meat?" "NNNOOOOO!!!!" "We need to leave for the mall now." "NNNOOOOOO!!!!" You can imagine what it was like when she was faced with something that she really really didn't want to do. It was tantrum city. Once, I was trying to put her into her carseat (against her will, as always, cause the child hated the car). She was fighting and screaming, "NNNOOOOOO!!!" I was getting mad, so I took a break to calm down. I conjured up the image of her in the backseat of some boy's car, and I imagined him trying to get her to do something she didn't feel ready for. I imagined how outspoken and expressive and explosive she would be. It helped me to accept that her big big emotions are a part of who she is and will be a wonderful part of who she will become. From that acceptance and reframing mindset, I am able to help her learn to express herself appropriately and to use her intensity as an asset.

Another trait that I try to reframe is Livy's orderliness. Some of you are probably thinking that this is a great trait, but it really conflicts with my way of being spontaneous and playing things by ear and being more free spirited. Lately, she has gotten so clean and orderly and routine and rule-focused, and it is driving me crazy. It bothers her when I change up the order in which I do tasks, when I leave dishes in the sink, when I let the grass grow too tall in the yard. It feels oppressive to me, like she has OCD or something (all you Myers-Brigg J people seem that way to me). So, I try to consciously reframe her behavior. I think of all the successful business people and doctors and engineers and accountants who really need to have these very traits. I try to think of her as orderly and precise, rather than OCD or neurotic. We still have to find solutions to the problem of two very different personalities living together in the same house, but it is easier to see it as a chance for creativity and problem solving when I reframe the traits into more positive ones.

This tool goes along very well with assuming positive intent, but instead of intent, it is assuming a positive side to personality traits. Just as assuming positive intent allows parent and child to move forward to a solution instead of dwelling on what happened, assuming a positive side to a personality trait allows parent and child to move toward solutions and skills that make the trait an asset, instead of dwelling on the traits we wish our children had been born with instead. Unlike the Pygmalion parenting that molds and forms children, using this tool means that we help our children to become the best version of themselves.

Learning What I Like About Georgia While I Was in New York

Now, don't be sad New Yorkers. I had fun in your city. I certainly enjoyed meeting some New York Objectivists. But I didn't like New York too much; we just don't fit each other. My trip taught me to appreciate some things about my home here in GA.

1. Plants are just so lovely. Not just my own garden and yard, but the ones you find scattered all around here. Crepe myrtles in the medians. Grass growing between the buildings and the sidewalks and between the sidewalks and the streets. Pretty flower gardens at the entrance to each neighborhood or office park. Parks that flow seamlessly into the rest of the city. Real woods. Plants make my eyes feel rested, and they make me feel connected to the seasons and to the natural cycles of the earth.

2. There really can be too many people. So, I am very, very extroverted. I study in noisy restaurants and like to go out of the house and among people every day. But there were just too many people for me in NYC. I like how there are lots of people here, so near Atlanta, but there is still space to stretch out and feel expansive, even outside of my own house.

3. I like comfort. GA is very comfortable. It's full of big comfy chairs, tables spaced far apart, bench swings on porches and in parks, dirt paths so cushiony for my feet, large, convenient, attractive bathrooms that are open to the public, and polite, attentive service.

4. I like it when other people treat me like a human being. In NYC, people treat one another (strangers passing in the world, I mean) as obstacles to be gotten around as quickly as possible and wiped from the memory immediately. In GA, people look me in the eye, smile at me, speak a word or two, nod a greeting at me, try to avoid bumping me or stepping in my way, and even help me out when I need it. Once a man climbed under a parked car for me to get a sippy cup Livy had dropped out of her stroller. I love seeing the recognition on other people's faces that I am a human with needs and values and worth.

5. I like Southern men. I like it when they open the door for me. I like to be noticed and smiled at, not leered at like a faceless mannequin. I like how the men here slow their steps to let me pass through the door or up the stairs or into the elevator first. I like how the men here offer help in physical tasks, like putting luggage on an overhead rack. I like it when they offer me a seat on a subway (although even here, that's pretty rare).

6. I like houses. Apartments in NYC are just really freaking small. I like decks and porches and extra bathrooms and spare bedrooms and full size stoves and ovens and washers and dryers right in the laundry room. I like roofs over my head, not other apartments. I like the quiet streets and the backyards and the storage sheds. I like driveways. I like outdoor dogs.

So, yes, I am very happy to be home. But I will miss public transportation that is easy and reliable. And I will miss the food in Koreatown.

Go Read Jane!

Well, I won't be blogging any time soon, cause I am actually going to NY to meet and hang out with lots of my friends from the blogosphere and from Facebook and a few from real life. So, I will leave you with this quote, in order to convince all Objectivists to read Jane Austen while I am gone, since you won't be busy reading my blog.

[Lady Catherine (a big old bee-atch) says to Elizabeth (a delightful and independent little thing:]``You are then resolved to have him?''

[And Elizabeth, remembering her values and virtues and determined to make Ayn Rand proud, replies:]``I have said no such thing. I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.''

Yay!! Now everyone go read Pride and Prejudice or Sense and Sensibility.

Horrendous Tantrum, Desire to Punish, and What I Did Instead

Dear Blog Readers (I hope there are a plural number of you),

In the interest of full disclosure about non-punitive discipline and the parents who practice it and the children they practice it on, I am going to blog about the worst freaking tantrum incident we have had (maybe ever). It happened today, and, besides giving people a glimpse into the worst and best of what we do, I also just need to vent a bit. Warning: If you think that non-punitively disciplined children behave well all the time, please sit down before reading this. And if you are not a parent, please remember that these days are few and far between, and don't let this post be the impetus for your tubal ligation or vasectomy.

It all started with a lovely canoe trip on the Chattahoochee. We ate snacks, fed ducks, jumped in and out of the canoe, paddled, and had a lovely time. After the canoeing, we were planning on going bike riding along the river. When it was time to stop swimming and go to get dry clothes on in preparation for the biking (we had mutually agreed on a number of minutes to swim), Livy sat down on the ground and started to cry. So, I told her to get up and come along, and I started walking toward the bathrooms. She cried louder that she needed to clean herself off (conveniently in the swimming hole), and I told her we could do that in the bathroom.

Now, having a hard time leaving is something we often experience, so I said my usual thing about how leaving with grace and dignity and a decent attitude is a part of getting to come back. Then I reminded her that we were about to go biking. Here is where we started to deviate from the usual and into the crazy-making kind of behavior that makes me want to sell her to gypsies. For some reason, unknown to me, she just lost it. She was crying and refusing to get up and follow me, so I said, "Follow me now," and I walked away. She didn't follow until I was way down the sidewalk, and by then, I was feeling mad and miserable, and I just wanted to go home. So, I said, "Livy, I have had it. We're going. I don't want to bike ride with you when you are acting like this."

As you can imagine, she got even angrier and sadder, and she wouldn't get into the car. So I said the usual child-doesn't-want-to-do-what-must-be-done thing: "You can get into the car on your own, or I will put you in." She said that her choice was to go bike riding, so I said, "Sounds like you do need my help," and I made to pick her up. And here is where she did what she never did before. The child actually ran away from me. I was so mad that I wanted to hit and yell and punish and generally beat her (physically or emotionally) into submission. Thank goodness I didn't do those things, but I did raise my voice a bit and said, "Get into this car now" in a kind of mean and serious voice. She did, crying and screaming the whole time about how she still wanted to ride bikes.

On the way home, she unbuckled her seat belt, in order to make me mad, I think, and to get me to stop and go back. I pulled over, buckled her back, and held her hands until she said she wouldn't unbuckle it again. At this point, I was furious, and I did yell at her to keep it buckled. I am sorry that I yelled, but not too sorry, cause it was not the worst thing I wanted to do to her, and it was the worst thing I did and only this once.

Once we were back on the road, she said (and by that I mean howled) very mean things to me about wanting to go to her dad's house and not wanting to live with me anymore. As any divorced parent knows, these are the most hurtful and scary words you can hear. I live in perpetual fear that the parenting I know is right will make her want to choose to live with him when she is older. I know it is my obligation to do the right thing anyway, but you can imagine the sting of her words, in light of my worries. But, though this story may seem like it is at the lowest point, here is where I really did well. I let Livy see how much this had hurt me. I asked her how it would feel to her if I told her I didn't want her to live with me. She got a stricken expression on her face, and she said, "Really sad." I told her that was exactly how I felt when she said it to me. She saw that I was crying, and she apologized and told me that she did want to live with me and that she loved me and that she was so so so mad. At her age, she thinks an apology makes everything okay, and I explained that I was still very hurt and very mad about her words and about her behavior. She cried all the way home.

We talked some after we were both calm about why I would not bike with her after such an awful tantrum. I told her I was too mad, and that it would not be fun for me to spend time with someone who treated me so badly. We talked about some other (more healthy, rational, and kind) ways to tell me that she is mad instead of saying very hurtful things. We talked about how scared I feel when she takes off her seatbelt and how I will not let her sit in the front seat (we have turn off airbags) if I cannot trust her to use a seatbelt like a grown-up. We talked about how people still feel horrible, even after you say sorry, if you are cruel to them. We talked about the way you have to treat other people if you want them to do things for you and to do things with you. We talked and talked and talked, hugged and kissed a lot, and reconnected.

Livy hasn't had a big tantrum in a very long while, and this was the first time I really showed her my feelings about it. I decided she was mature enough to see the consequences, not just of her actions (huge fits end the fun) but also of her words (mom is crying and her feelings are incredibly hurt.) It is interesting to me, in retrospect, (when I wasn't feeling simultaneously furious and crushed) how much of an effect it had on her to see the result of her actions on our relationship. It was a huge learning experience, and she said to me afterward without any kind of prompting, "Biking isn't as important as loving you, Mama."

Overall, I am pleased with how I handled this situation. Honestly, keeping my temper for the most part seems like a triumph worthy of a freaking arch being built in my honor. Punishing Livy would have made her feel bad (mostly for getting busted, as I remember from my own childhood) and would have given her the feeling of being off the hook once the punishment was over. The non-punitive way I handled it allowed her to feel the natural consequences of behaving so badly (people don't want to hang out with you, people get their feelings hurt, relationships will take time to mend) and didn't encourage her to feel that since she had served her time, it's all over. She knows that we have lots more talking to do and that the future is changed (I will be more hesitant to go canoeing or biking or swimming in the river, and I will continue to feel hurt for a while.) She will be disappointed that we didn't get to go biking for a while, as well.

I also realized that, for me, punishment really does come with a feeling of vengeance. Revenge is what I wanted when I thought about punishing her. I wanted to make her feel bad because she had made me feel bad. I don't see how that would be any different from her saying mean things to me to make me feel bad because I wouldn't go biking. I suppose punishing parents often do it coolly, instead of in anger, but I never seem to need to punish when I am cool. I can always think of a creative way to work through a situation. My desire to punish only seems to arise when I am boiling mad. I usually follow that feeling with an order to stand back and get my breath, cool down a bit, and be inventive. It's never failed me yet, when I can make myself do it.

So, the moral of this story is: Today, I found that my non-punitive strategies work, even in the most hellish circumstances. And feel free to come and read this post again on your bad days. Maybe the comradeship with prevent you from hitting, yelling, punishing, or selling them to the gypsies.

P.S. The photo above is of Livy and me at her dance recital, proving that there really is a darling little girl, oozing with sugar and spice and everything nice, underneath the hell beast of the above story. :)

New Milestone for Livy

For those of you who don't know, I love and follow the blog Free Range Kids. The free range idea is to allow kids as much freedom as possible in the world, encouraging independence, and not being a hovering, neurotic parent who, by worrying and restricting, prevents kids from enjoying the kind of lives many of us enjoyed as children. Check it out.

Anyway, today at the grocery store, Livy reached a really cool milestone that makes me feel like she is getting so grown up. I gave her items off the list, and she went by herself through the store to find them and bring them back. She absolutely loved it! She felt so important, and she talked about it later with me and Aaron. She was able to do things I didn't think she could, like figure out which price label is for blueberries and which for blackberries and come to tell me the prices so we could decide which to get. She looked for the word "whole" to find the right milk. It was such an amazing moment for both of us.

Those of you who aren't parents are probably thinking, "Why on earth is that a big deal?" The thing is that most parents wouldn't let a 5 1/2 year old out of their sight, even in a safe grocery store in a safe neighborhood. Of course, I prepared Livy. We have talked about what to do if you get lost (first, look for me, duh, and then if you still can't find me nearby, find a mommy with kids or a lady without kids and ask for help) and what to do if anyone tries to get you to leave the store without me (scream, run away, yell "this is not my mommy or daddy!"). She was also prepared for this occasion by all the time she spent out in the world with me, watching me live life sensibly, instead of in school or daycare (Though I do think that conscientious parents can still raise reasonable free range kids who are in school or daycare, I just think it is harder work to undo the dependence.) She knows that the world is generally safe because she has spent lots of time in it. She knows how to behave in a grocery store because she has spent time in one. And, when the time comes, she will know how to be an independent person in the world without her mommy because she will have spent time practicing that while still in my household.

Embracing the Weeds

Inspired by Jenn's Facebook post:

Today, though there were nearly knee high weeds in my garden and it looks pretty awful, I did not pull them or lay down the cardboard I've been saving and mulch over them. I did not mow the backyard. I did not do the laundry. Instead, I reminded myself how unimportant those things are, and I did something super important: what I really, actually wanted to do. I went hiking.

In 20 years, I will be glad that I saw a neat-o ruin of an old mill. I will be glad that I got exercise. I will be glad that I got caught in a sudden rain storm. I will be glad that I hopped from rock to rock over a lovely little creek. I will be glad that I worked on my running form around a pond and saw people fishing from the bank. I will not give a rat's you-know-what that I did not pull those weeds.

A Day in the Life

We are what many people call unschoolers, but I don't really like the term. I don't like to define us by what we don't do. So I prefer to call us life learners. That is a better word, I think, because it describes what we do exactly. We learn by living life. Learning time is not separated from other times. We all decide what we want to learn about and what we want to do and then we do it. We also learn from the daily tasks that we do to keep our home running and from our play. I learn this way too, but I know people are mostly interested in how this works for kids, so I will tell you what we did in the past 24 hours, focusing on Livy.

Yesterday evening, we went over to Rational Jenn's house for a cookout. Livy played for hours and hours with her friends. An adult friend at the party read some books to Livy and to Morgan. I know for sure that they practiced drawing from a how-to book and they used some magnetic dolls to make a princess dance, but other than that I have no idea what they did. I am absolutely certain they were learning, as well as having fun. I also had a great time and learned from my friends (the great joy of having rational intelligent companions).

Last night, after I put Livy to bed, I did some French Rosetta Stone.

This morning, I gave Livy the gifts I got her in Washington, D.C.: a Dr. Seuss book about space, a book about the sites in D.C., and a kit to make a model solar system that I got from the Air and Space Museum. We read the books immediately (talking a ton about the trip and what Aaron and I saw and did).

Then, Livy and I ate at Chick-Fil-A and went to the grocery store. She helped me shop, unload the car, and put the groceries away.

I did some housework and listened to Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery. Livy watched The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian on the computer.

We went to story time at the library. While I chose books for us that I knew Livy would like (space and fairy tales) and books I wanted to read (prehistoric people and The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler), Livy listened to a story about a dancing hippo, saw a puppet show of the lion and the mouse tale from Aesop, and made a mouse puppet and a mask. When we got home, she hunted through the bag of books and chose the prehistoric people book. We read it.

Right now, she is painting her model planets, using a library book as a guide for colors.

Really, this is a pretty typical day for us, when we are in the staying home mood.

Lots of Excitement and a Musing

Well, I'm back to normal life (for two weeks anyway until our next trip). I'm very very very glad. Aaron's parents visited, my mom visited, and we went on a roadtrip to Washington, D.C. Just to shock and amaze you, here is a list of all the things I have done and seen since my last post:

• Atlanta Botanical Gardens
• walk through Piedmont Park
• High Museum of Art
• fancy lunch at the museum restaurant, where Livy was served iced tea in a real grownup glass without us having to ask, which made her whole lunch and (I think) got her to eat pickled beets because they are grown up too
• the library
• Greenville, SC to have dinner with an internet friend, now known in the flesh
• drove up the Blue Ridge parkway into Virginia (absolutely lovely!!)
• Monticello, Jefferson's home
• National Air and Space Museum
• Holocaust Museum (gruesome and graphic, but very wonderful museum, nonetheless)
• National Portrait Gallery
• American History Museum (for a minute only, we didn't like it)
  
• walking tour of the Mall and surrounding monuments (Jefferson, FDR, Lincoln, Korean War, World War II, Washington monument)
• party to welcome a friend who is visiting our Atlanta Objectivist group
• 6 hour float down the Chattahoochee River on blow up rafts

So yeah, I'm kinda tired. The fridge is empty. The laundry is piled up to the ceiling. I am looking forward to this coming week, hanging with Livy and Ryan and Morgan and Sean and Rational Jenn a lot (we missed them tremendously), doing some housework, mowing the grass, and being at home!

And here is my musing:

At the aforesaid party, a friend of mine, a lovely attractive woman who would be admired by any man with any sense, mentioned that she was upset by her boobs sagging. It got us talking about changing bodies. Here's my two cents: There is nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty and attractive, but there is something wrong when we don't accept the reality of being 30ish and 40ish. Our boobs are gonna sag. Our faces are gonna get wrinkles. We'll probably all gain a few pounds as we age and our metabolisms slow. I think that's okay. If a man wants to date a woman with maturity and experience, he's gonna have to accept that those women have wrinkles and boobs that sag a bit. If he wants perfect boobs and flawless skin, he's gonna have to choose a person who hasn't lived and loved and learned sex techniques and made progress on career goals and traveled and has lots to teach him. The thing is, I don't think most of the pressure really comes from men. I've spent most of my life on the heavier side of our society's ideal, and yet, I've never hurt for very wonderful men in my life. My boobs that sag a bit have been greeted by men with that stupid (yet lovable) smile that they always get when faced with breasts of any size or age. I think that men (in general) are much kinder to our bodies than we women are ourselves.

Earlier this year, I made the resolution that this year, I was going to stop resolving to be something other than I am and making myself miserable. I've kept that resolution by ending my obsessive and dangerous dieting cycle and by practicing talking nice to my body and the bodies of other women. I'm trying to think more about other things about me and the women I know and less about our looks. There is nothing wrong with noticing someone's looks, but I, and many other women, focus on looks way too much.

So, my final word on this is: I am not a mannequin, not a teenager, not a Barbie doll. I am real 30 year old woman who has had a baby. I can't be bothered about stretch marks, sagging, and my first wrinkle. I have way too much living to do for that. :)